Please Don’t Forget What You Came For
Posted: May 24, 2010 Filed under: Alx! | Tags: grades, law school 2 CommentsHere I sit, in my favorite class of this quarter, thinking about the things that keep me showing up and participating – since it’s clearly not the whopping 5% of my grade governed by participation.
Another classmate told me that he wasn’t planning on attending many sessions because “at 5% participation, it isn’t a priority.”
Why do we participate in class?
Are your classes, fellow law students, mostly comprised of glassy eyes glued to your computer screens and multiple gchat conversations? Or do you participate?
I’m not a gunner. I never have been – I’ll come right out and say I don’t generally get A’s, I’m not on law review, and I don’t do moot court. Yep, I am, on paper, a mediocre law student.
However. In my classes my hand is almost always up. Even if I didn’t do the reading – I’m always asking questions or picking fights or getting involved. (Except for right now, when I’m writing a blog post.)
So why do I do it? Why put myself on the line and risk making a fool of myself, around professors who probably won’t remember me anyway?
I think I know the answer today.
Maybe I have this perspective because I came to law school with a Masters degree behind me (Wm! can add the perspective of someone who went directly BA–> JD) – but for the most part I’m not here for the grades or the prestige or the firm job or whatever. I worked really hard in graduate school to discover my own interests and build a foundation of knowledge because I wanted the knowledge, not because it was a step towards some other place. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t find a job afterwards, but the perspective I got from two years of doing that was that I’m confident I’ll find a path, and the things I’m doing now are for me more than anything else.
My philosophy ties in with this post by Jon Katz//Underdog, which is cool, because he’s someone I’ve considered an intellectual mentor for a long time (I’ve been a follower of his blog for, like, ever). Fear not – be here now.
I’m here for myself. I was so excited before 1L year because I actually wanted to know all of the things I was preparing to learn. I was genuinely interested.
So to bring it around, the reason I participate is because:
A) I follow Mr. Katz’s advice and I just take the leap and the risk and add my voice to the argument – I don’t fear the retort, because the future isn’t real. I am here, now.
And,
B) I’m not doing it for the participation points. At 26 years old, when I’m paying for the education, the dynamic must change. No longer am I an ignorant pupil with a blank slate on which my professors will write — I am an equal, a colleague, participating in the discussion, and it is really truly, as cliche as it sounds, no on else’s loss but mine if I stay silent, stay unprepared, slide by.
To me, class participation means reaching my goal of success in law school – gaining knowledge and gaining understanding; not the standard ‘getting good grades’ model of success. Anecdotal evidence suggests that my method seems to be more effective.
Quick Hit: More Proof Nature is F*cking with Us
Posted: May 19, 2010 Filed under: Alex Recommends | Tags: just look at it 3 Commentsh/t my friend Mel…
This thing:
Look at it. Just look at it.
Isn’t it stupid looking??? In that, oh shit it might kill me, kind of way?
And in addition to the stupid lookingness of it… it is apparently known as a HORNY LIZARD.
A HORNY LIZARD, my friends. There you have it.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
Mid-Life(law school) Crisis
Posted: May 19, 2010 Filed under: Alx! | Tags: academia, Alx! making a damn fool of herself, existential crisis Leave a commentI seriously thought that when I left graduate school, my days of bursting into tears in front of my professors were finally over. I really thought that leaving academia, and putting the Sisyphean task of finishing MA research behind me would mean I would somehow be less ridiculous. Actually, this did not happen!
Well, to be fair, I lasted almost two years. So that’s good! I think…
Anyway, I went to pitch my paper proposal to my Chinese Law professor, because I am doing this insane thing of writing a very long paper instead of taking a short exam.. and anyway, we started talking. My paper pitch had to do with institution-building – I guess I was sort of camouflaging a sociology paper in the context of criminal law to make it sound more law-y, or something. Anyway this guy (who is great, by the way) totally called me on it. Once we got to talking about civil society, and alternative institutions to the state, and we were arguing about the role of criminal organizations in maintaining social control… ANYWAY what happened was he totally called me on even coming to law school.
He just out and said it –
Him: why are you here??
Me: o.O
Him: No seriously, you’re really good at this stuff. Clearly you are very passionate about this work.
Me: I have a MA degree in peace and conflict studies… so I kind of have a background but…
Him: Alex… this isn’t law.
Me: o.O
Him: This isn’t law. This is sociology. Why did you come to law school if you love this institution-building and civil society stuff so much?
Me: …
–long pause–
Me: I left my field because I couldn’t get a job.
Him: But you’re good at this. Really good at thinking about these issues. The paper topic you pitched… it sounds like new research. It’d be a reasonably good doctoral dissertation. It’s not a short paper for a mid-level law class…
Me: Well….
–long pause–
Me: //burst into tears//
Him: o.O
Me: OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING HERE WHY DID I LEAVE IR OMG I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS WAAAHHHHH //law student stress freakout//
He was very nice about it. He started telling me about PhD programs. And how there’s this one, in Amsterdam (holy shit.) that is totally perfect for me, and that it’s really great on rule of law and East Asia and civil society and ahhhrrgghhh I just had to tell him to stop telling me about it.
Because what am I supposed to do? I’m a 2L now, totally specializing in criminal law. Which I also love – let’s be really clear about that. But my professor is correct. I love academia. I love it. When he and I were talking, arguing about civil society and the role of the state, I freaked out because I felt like I was in a different place. It was transcendent. I was so happy. I haven’t had a conversation like that in years. It was amazing.
And it lit a fire in my mind that I put out three years ago when I left my field. When I decided JD over PhD, work in the “real world” over a life of perpetual student-hood.
It’s the first time in nearly 2 years of law school that I’ve fundamentally questioned my path. I guess I’ve been overdue for an existential crisis lately, but I was kind of hoping I was settled.
I had a flash – a flash of the future that was a near certainty for me three years ago – a life of work in other countries, travel all over the world, adventures and change and all the freedom that comes with impermanence. There aren’t really any jobs abroad, for a county prosecutor. Have I been telling myself that this new life is “good enough” – to kill the pain of leaving an old one behind before I was ready?
Now I’ve got Amsterdam stuck in my head. And PhDs. And floppy lampshade hats. And dammit, now who knows where I’ll be off to next – I’m so susceptible to my existential mood swings. I think I might apply, next year. As long as there aren’t any jobs here anyway, I guess I could just cast my net, and let the universe decide. I can think of worse things, I suppose, than the possibility of a “perfect” doctoral program in one of my favorite cities on this planet. Way worse things, actually.
It’s Not About Us Right Now: Let’s Not Forget the Real Victims of the Texas Textbook Disaster
Posted: May 18, 2010 Filed under: Alx! | Tags: miss rantypants, us politics Leave a commentWhen I read Amanda Marcotte’s discussion of the new Texas textbook requirements, my mind immediately left the points she made and began contemplating all of the collateral consequences this will have, and how we will see them ripple for, potentially, generations. Amanda talks about how the purpose of the legislation seems to have been to piss off liberals. Maybe so, but it’s almost too obvious to point out that really, the people who are going to suffer here aren’t the liberals who are angry – it’s the children, at least directly.
Will this cause a massive brain drain from Texas? Before you crack a joke remember that UT Austin is a huge, world-class school — will it mean that in a few years, none of the elite universities in the country will accept students from Texas public schools? What will it mean for progressive (or just rational) educators in Texas?
I can’t imagine being a teacher in Texas and being expected to teach this stuff. Educators go into that field because they want to educate – what will they do? Probably, many of them will leave. There will not only be this terrible textbook mess, then – there will also be literally no good teachers left in Texas. The good ones would leave or, refusing to teach this nonsense, be fired.
Of course there’s also a class element here isn’t there? The only schools affected by this are public schools, of course – so what’s going to happen is that the same crushing class divide between public and private schools will become further ingrained. Already with the fallout of No Child Left Behind, as low-performing schools lose funding, the parents of kids who have any money at all take the kids either out of district or into private school, so the schools, already underfunded, begin to fall away and continue into a cycle of no funding –> low performance, ad nauseum. As this textbook plan is implemented, rational parents who have money will move their kids into private schools, whereas the poor kids will have to stay and be forced to receive this “education.”
And since students from Texas public schools will be unable to compete with applicants in other districts, no one from these schools will be able to get into university, which will further enforce the divide between rich and poor and, at least in Texas, hammer the final nail in the coffin of the middle class.
After considering at least these consequences first, then it’s fair to consider the rest of the country (and not just liberals). Students from the US can’t keep up with graduates from other countries in math and science. We already lag behind several far less economically developed countries in education. By teaching abject falsehoods, we’re not just hurting kids from Texas, we’re further relegating US graduates into the second and third tier of competitiveness for high tech, science-related, math-related, engineering, or related fields. That, let me be clear – that is fucking tragic.
The bottom line here is that the people on the front line of this are the kids who are going to be robbed of their chance at an education – the most valuable thing, in my opinion, any one person can ever have, and also the best possible path to self-enrichment and financial independence.
After that – well, after that I think we are going to see collateral consequences of this the likes of which would surprise even the most astute social observer. Don’t forget – this isn’t going to just affect Texas, it’ll be far more widespread than that. In my constant mental struggle between whether these people are stupid or evil, dooming a generation to ignorance and poverty (and dooming our country along with them), because the truth isn’t convenient — that’s a mark of pure, unadulterated evil.
Quick Hit: What Male Entitlement Looks Like
Posted: May 17, 2010 Filed under: Alx! Leave a commentNB: Before you yell at me, go check this out, and remember that I’m talking about a series of events I have experienced, within the wider social context of being a woman, and that all I’m doing is expressing how these individuals fit a certain framework of social theory.
Saturday night was my birthday!! Yay! So, my neighbor was throwing a party and we headed over there after our day’s adventures for some good old fashioned backyard drunkenness with all of the neighbors we know on our street. While there I ended up talking to this extraordinary douche of a human being, a 1L (ugh) from Seattle U. I immediately noticed that his method of interacting with me involved forcefully talking at me, and then over me when I tried to speak.
I recalled the same experience back in college when I competed in Model UN with other colleges. Inevitably it was the men in the committee who got their voices heard and their positions respected.
Also, last Thursday in my Chinese Law seminar, a colleague had made some points in class that I thought were interesting, and so during the break I turned to him to disagree, and see what his argument was. He saw me turn to him and start talking, and he turned around and walked away.
The other thing I noticed was that in all of these experiences, my first instinct was to internalize it – the first thoughts I had were, “am I wrong about this, is my argument bad?” and “maybe if I had something more interesting to say, he wouldn’t be doing this.”
It’s taken me years to begin breaking this pattern of interaction with this type of men. Years of thought and practice have gone into understanding that louder does not necessarily mean right, and that just because someone is speaking forcefully, doesn’t mean they are speaking more intelligently.
What I talk about when I talk about being a feminist law student is this: being aware that many of my male classmates come to the conversation pre-equipped with the confidence and loud voices necessary to get their argument heard; I and many of my female classmates have had to work (are still working) to get to that place.
It’s as simple as the assumption that these men I interacted with had views worth hearing, whereas I and my female colleagues, do not.
Living Through Law School #1: Sanity Days & The Importance of Giving Yourself a Break
Posted: May 12, 2010 Filed under: Living Through Law School 1 CommentI love law school, even when it’s tough, and I really truly love the work I do – but even the most engaging work gets tiring. Every day this week I’ve had 6+ hours of school work in addition to being at work and class from 8am-4pm. I’ve had meetings and appointments filling up every tiny bit of free space in my schedule, and it’s been a bad week for family members demanding limitlessly of my time.
This morning I woke up feeling kind of sick, I was running late for work, and I felt so edgy that I thought I might punch a hole in the wall the next time someone or something required any of my time. I need a sanity day.
What is a sanity day?? Well let me tell you. I learned the art of a sanity day all the way back in high school, and the concept stuck with me — and has probably saved my academic career more than once.
I should’ve known all along that I was destined for law school – I was just as crazy in high school as I am now! I took more classes than there were periods in the school day, was super active in several afterschool things, and I was also a dorm prefect. It worked okay, except that after months of being cheerful and perky, someone would step on my toe or do something else tiny and silly and I would FREAK OUT. Freak out, you guys. Seeing this cycle happen a few times, my mentor and still-friend, who was a teacher and RA in the dorm, posed the idea of a sanity day. We arranged it so I could let him know the night before, and instead of having a huge meltdown, I could essentially blow off school for a day. It was incredibly kind of him, because it was no small feat to blow off school in my small college-preparatory boarding school.
My first time taking a sanity day, I turned off every electronic device I had, and sat in the sun in my dorm room reading a book. My door, which on every other day was perpetually open for other students, was locked, and a sign that said “GO AWAY” was written in red on my whiteboard. Inevitably, the day after my first sanity day, I felt rested and ready to start over. These events are limited to twice per term. That’s been the rule since high school and I’ve never broken it.
Work isn’t something I can just blow off, but I have Fridays off so here’s the plan: On Friday I have canceled my physical therapy appointment, I have no other engagements, and I plan to sleep in. Then I will make a vanilla black tea latte. Then I will turn off every electronic device – cellphone, tv, all computers, xbox, ipod… everything that makes any noise at all (including little brother), and I will sit in the sun and read a book. All day. I will do yoga. I will take a bath. I will not change out of my pajamas, I will not leave the house, I will not listen to any requests or demands from anyone. For one day, I will focus on restoring myself and myself only.
If I could give my fellow law students any advice it’s this: Make time for a sanity day. We law students are all neurotic type-A nervous wrecks who mainline stress and caffeine 99% of the time. We also do an amazing amount of work to please other people. This is good, it’s fantastic – but for one or two days every four months, it’s totally okay to be selfish and say no. Actually, it’s better than okay; it’s invigorating and restorative and absolutely necessary to staying healthy in a type-A life.
The First Rule of Trial Practice (is NOT never talk about trial practice)
Posted: May 10, 2010 Filed under: Alx! | Tags: epic win 1 CommentDo you guys all remember that lecture in moot court or trial advocacy or whatever it is at your institution of higher learning – the one where we were all told repeatedly how important it is to listen to your client (and to the witness on the stand)? I remember it, and now I have seen the most hilarious illustration of this concept that I must share with you right now.
I was in the elevator, just minding my own business, stuffing my face full of protein bar so as to not pass out in my afternoon class when suddenly….
Woman 1: Hey, how is your husband??
Woman 2: Not doing well, not great at all, it’s really bad…
Woman 1: Oh, that’s so good to hear.
Woman 2: The best I can say is that he’s not dead yet.
Woman 1: Ah, that’s wonderful!
After this, the woman left the elevator and the three of us still in it, with the first woman, exchanged glances of something between horror and trying-really-hard-not-to-laugh. If I wasn’t so busy stuffing a protein bar into my face I would have embarrassed us both by cracking up.
Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you: If you ask a witness a question, please always listen to the answer… or risk an epic, epic courtroom (or social) fail.
Alex Recommends: Mother’s Day Edition
Posted: May 9, 2010 Filed under: Alex Recommends | Tags: family, mothers day Leave a commentToday is mother’s day! And so, today I recommend grandmas. Obviously, I have the best grandma ever in the entire world (see below), but I still recommend yours because she might be a close second.
I don’t have any grandpas, I only ever met one and he’s been gone since I was about eight years old. I do have two grandmas, though, so I count myself lucky – and this one in particular is just fantastic. She is the warmest, sweetest grandma you’ll ever meet, and she is also hilarious. For example, when describing a cousin of mine who is very good at saving money, she said: “He pinches a quarter so hard the eagle shits in his hand!” I could not stop laughing. This grandma, she is most excellent. In addition to being hilarious, she also gives out candy and wonderful hugs in true grandma fashion.
My favorite grandma moment is from when my mom and my aunt decided to finally tell her that I’m gay, and that Liz isn’t my “roommate,” as they’d been saying. This happened about a year after grandma met Liz, and my grandma’s response to my mom and aunt’s very nervous revelation was pitch-perfect: “Oh hell! You think I don’t know that? I’m old, not stupid!”
She and I are a lot alike actually – she, like me, likes to sneak out in the middle of the night before Thanksgiving and eat all the pecans off the top of the pecan pie someone made. This is excellent, because it’s much better to get in trouble with her than to get in trouble alone.
And let me tell you – my grandma is a hell of a tough woman. She is 91 years old (but she looks no older than 70!) and has survived all sorts of serious health problems. She also has survived a tough life, growing up poor in an Irish Catholic mining community in Pennsylvania. A coal miner’s daughter, she married a scientist she met at a “mixer dance” and followed him out to Washington when he was assigned to work on the Hanford nuclear project in Kennewick. Although she was never able to afford an education, she served her country by working at the Hanford plant without even knowing what she was doing, on any job they would offer her – she worked so hard she was promoted almost every year.
She worked so hard, along with my grandpa, that they made enough money to send my mom off to Stanford, where she met my dad. I’m proud to say my family on her side came from poor, hard working coal miner roots, and within 1 generation of my grandma setting her sights on a better life, my mom was at Stanford, then at UW Medicine in the first class of women graduates. My grandma is so kickass, you guys.
Her health isn’t so great anymore (but she’s doing great for 91!) – but she’s quick to remind you that even though she’s in a wheel chair, her mind is just fine, thank you.
My grandma has amazing stories to tell, and she surprises me all the time with her wisdom and kindness. So today, I recommend talking to your grandma if you are lucky enough to have one – we forget too often that old people are worth talking to – and I bet that if you sit down with your grandma and have a chat, you will be proud to be part of the family she helped create.
I’m Making it All Come Alive…
Posted: May 9, 2010 Filed under: Alx! | Tags: being a lawyer, dreams, seattle Leave a commentlive the dream
and learn to chase it
and when you can almost taste it
it’s all come alive…
{my favorite highway – you’re making it all come alive}
First off, it is the first really, truly, undeniably gorgeous day in Seattle – it’s a breezy 70* outside, crystal clear blue sky, the ocean glitters and shines, and the mountains are so intensely visible they look like they were painted on the sky. It’s one of those days when, after months and months of cold rain, I swear that I will never leave Seattle.
My in-love-with-Seattle mood is bolstered by the fact that for mother’s day today Liz and I went to my grandmother’s nursing home in West Seattle for brunch, and afterwards we drove around for a while, taking in a part of the city we don’t usually get to see. I feel like Seattle is so neighborhood-centric that it’s totally possible (maybe even encouraged) to never really leave your part of the city. I’ve been to West Seattle a couple of times before, but not much – I really love the beach there & I think it’s the best beach in Seattle. I’ll be controversial and say the best beach on the sound (at least, this side of the peninsula) is Redondo in Federal Way, but Seattlites will hate me for saying that.
West Seattle feels like a quaint little beach town – ramshackle houses on stilts lean up against expensive new condo developments, people walking on sandy or gravel roads right next to major throughways full of speeding cars… there’s something a little whimsical and accidental about it, and I love it for that – I also love it because it’s the last part of Seattle (though this is rapidly changing) that remains undiscovered by Seattle’s greatest pestilence – the hipster. Once they descend on it I imagine it will start to suck as much as Broadway does now, but until then, it will remain my favorite little alcove in the city to escape.
After our beach trip we came home and when I got to my desk I saw my as-yet-incomplete Rule 9 (Washington’s third year practice program) application staring at me accusingly. Clearly I had set it down to work on it and then gone off to hide. As I sat here and finished it, made my photocopies, and prepared it for mailing tomorrow, I realized that once I get that little Rule 9 card in June, it will be impossible to pretend this isn’t real anymore.
My dad constantly refers to the (now cliche, but still common in reality) moment he had during his transition from medical student to doctor. Standing in the emergency room, he says, with a patient in dire crisis, he turned to the nurse and shouted at her to get the doctor! but – of course, he was the doctor, and there was no one else there to enable the pretense that it’s all somehow just fake… the weird feeling that I’m not going to be a real doctor…
I imagine that when the card arrives, and I step into Snohomish County District Court in June on my first day, I will, at least internally, turn to someone and tell them to get the lawyers! but, like my father in the emergency room, I will be the lawyer, or the closest thing in the courtroom on misdemeanor docket day.
This is terrifying. It’s exhilarating and exciting because all my dreams are basically coming true and I am finally on the path in my life I know now that I was meant to be on – but it’s absolutely fucking terrifying because it’s all going to be real, the safety net is going to go away, and I think if there was ever a moment that embodied the transition from young person to grown-up it will be that moment, that first terrifying get the lawyers! moment when I realize in my heart not only that it’s up to me, that I am the lawyer, but that I can handle it, and that I will be okay.
I’m holding my breath with fear, but… I can’t wait.
Alex Recommends: Google Goggles
Posted: May 8, 2010 Filed under: Alex Recommends | Tags: hilarious Leave a commentI recommend Google Goggles today if, for no other reason, because of how hilarious it can be when it’s wrong.
Earlier today I entered a picture of this into Google Goggles…
Which Google Goggles apparently thought was probably this:
Actually, now that you mention it…
Trial and Error 